Upon reflection for my Father's Day

All of my former struggles
Former wars
Resulted from one thing
Zero self-worth
I went back
Rewinding the mental tapes
How hold was I?
Arriving at eight
What happened?
What led it to occur?
During this age
As I watch the scene play
Daryl was mom's latest Mr. Fixer
Weak, the young boy seeking father
He beat me up pretty bad
Mental damage
Hurting the most
As the movie indicates
All the men mom brought home
They always hit the road
After moms was all good and used
My moms
Desperately wanting someone
Wanting someone to love her
She too had no love for self
I think
More rather
I know
She was just lost in naivety!
Countless times
I watched her get abused
After this
Self-esteem
Eroding at a faster rate
I watch the remainder
Know it well
Age eleven
When the devil arrived in my bed
It was a year
A year of telling myself I'm not gay
I fought the bastard
Think that's why it wasn't so hard
Though, after that event
I realized
I'm on my own in the world
Taking the belief upon myself
I'm just no fucking good
This would lead me to
Getting kicked out of school
Finding warmth inside a cell
Finding warmth in a bed
Married to keep me from hell
Though, still no love for self
Things seemed flowing well
Till the devil came home to roost
He is my third son
Firstborn
Finished his cancer war
All would be good
Maybe the darkness is gone
Fool in the center of the storm
Fool I be thinking
He was born
I held him close
So close
Etching his face into mine
Buried him
It was a cold December morn
Death
Birth and divorce
Lost inside the darkest clouds
It's something I reflect upon
Especially days like today
I no longer celebrate holidays
Especially my birth


If your wondering
Perhaps a thought
How I cured no love for self
I went back
In my movie
And relived all the lies
Proclaiming to the liars
My truth
Forgave who needed forgiving
Mainly myself
Mirror exercises help a bunch
I'm not shit but good
I deserve to be happy
Typical verbiage
Leaving my state of birth
Starting fresh
Now I believe in myself
To move forward
All the pains from the past
All must be healed
This is how to break the chains
Humans repeat what they see
Not everything seen
Is worthy of a repeat
I'm not a perfect parent
Don't need a day
What's important to me most
Is that my boys know I love them
And that I tell them
They can be anything
That they have value
Are of great worth
That to me
Is a father's greatest gift
For the greatest leader
First gives of themselves
I understand it's importance
Probably because I never received it

Peace

Gocni Schindler